


Well, I'm Not Gonna Tell Him

by disgruntledturtle



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Background Relationships, Crack, F/M, The Talk, background character-focused, do kylo's generals even have canon personalities really, look at me doing research for a crack fic, ooc probably, oops i did it again, the pekz and the porgs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23607184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disgruntledturtle/pseuds/disgruntledturtle
Summary: Post-TLJ, Pre-TROS. Supreme Leader Kylo Ren's generals come to the horrifying realization that their boss needs... The Talk.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 5
Kudos: 50





	Well, I'm Not Gonna Tell Him

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, here's another one. This one is pure crack. Also, the reylo is strictly in the background this time. Sorry about that. Hope y'all can enjoy anyway.
> 
> Fun fact! Bellava Parnadee is the general that liked Kylo's mask. I have decided she's my favorite.

Supreme Leader Kylo Ren was agitated. His supreme council could tell from all the destroyed computer terminals.

General Domaric Quinn watched a pair of stormtroopers hup to a new terminal—the fourth this week—to the bridge and turned to his companions, Amret Engell and Bellava Parnadee.

“How long is this going to go on, do you suppose?” He asked, with a huff.

“Until we crush what’s left of the resistance, I suppose,” said Engell.

“I’m not so sure that’s the whole problem,” sad Parnadee with a frown. “Two stormtroopers overheard him in his roo—sorry, _quarters_ , crying to someone named Rey.”

“Rae Sloane? The general?” Quinn asked.

“I don’t think so. According to the stormtroopers, he was begging this Rey to rule with him,” said Parnadee. Quinn wrinkled his nose.

“I assume you reprimanded these stormtroopers for gossiping?” Engell asked.

“Oh, of course. They’re on latrine duty for a month,” said Parnadee.

“Does the supreme leader have a… a _secret girlfriend_?” said Quinn with disgust.

“From what the stormtroopers said, no. It seems to be a one-sided thing,” said Parnadee.

“So, the Supreme Leader is having _girl troubles_?” Engell asked. Quinn fell silent, deep in thought.

“Has anyone ever given the Supreme Leader… The Talk?” Parnadee’s mouth fell open.

“You mean the Pekz and the Porgs?” she asked. “Surely _someone_ must have… he’s like thirty, isn’t he?”

“Well I don’t imagine that was part of Supreme Leader Snoke’s training,” said Quinn. “And before that… he trained to be a jedi, didn’t he? Didn’t they believe in saving yourself for marriage?”

“No. They believed in avoiding forming attachments,” Bellava jumped at the question. “So. Abstinence?” The color drained from all of their faces.

“My God… we’re going to have to tell him, aren’t we?” Engell said, her gaze a thousand parsecs away. They looked at each other, each hoping someone else would volunteer.

“Well, it’s not going to be me,” said Parnadee.

“Yes, General Parnadee. We all know you’re too much of a suck up to say anything that might possibly have a chance of displeasing him,” Quinn said, dryly. “Same goes for you, General Engell.”

“I am not a suck up!” Engell snapped. “I merely admire his leadership—”

“He’s not here. You don’t have to suck his dick,” said Quinn. He froze in thought. “Wait, does he even have a dick, or is it like a Darth Vader situation?”

“Hold on. Did Darth Vader have a…” Engell trailed off, looking to Parnadee, the history nerd. Parnadee bristled.

“There is no credible historical record one way or the other on the subject.” Quinn stared at Parnadee before shaking his head and continuing.

“So, who’s going to tell him?” he asked. “It will have to be someone he will listen to.

“It should be someone that he was probably going to murder anyway,” said Engell.

The three generals looked at each other and simultaneously had the same thought.

“Hux.”

-

“You want me to what.” Hux’s voice was completely devoid of emotion.

“Just give him some relationship advice,” said Parnadee.

“And maybe explain contraceptives to him,” said Quinn. Engell shrugged.

“Or don’t. Some force-sensitive children could be a valuable asset to the First Order,” she said.

“I am not doing any of that!” Hux snapped.

“Why not? Don’t you have the requisite knowledge?” Parnadee asked.

“Of course, I do! But if I overstep one more time, Ren will surely demote me.

His fellow generals shared a look.

“He’s literally thrown you against a wall already but okay. Priorities.” Said Engell.

“Come now, Hux. Do you have any idea how many credits his tantrums are costing the First Order? It is your duty as a general,” said Quinn.

“Then one of you do it,” said Hux. Quinn straightened and stepped forward, directly in Hux’s personal space. His face was grave.

“Do it, or I’ll shave Millicent bald.”

-

The Supreme Leader was sitting at his desk when Hux knocked on his door.

“Pardon the intrusion, Sir,” Hux said cautiously.

“Make it quick,” said Kylo. He did not look up from whatever he was doing on his desk. Hux could see dozens of crumpled pieces of paper strewn about and he suppressed a sigh. _More waste of First Order resources._ _Why, oh why, couldn’t he just use a holo like a normal person?_ Hux cleared his throat.

“Your Supreme Council has expressed concern about your… emotional wellbeing, and I have come to—”

“Hux.” Kylo said abruptly.

“Yes, Supreme Leader?” Hux said, straining with the effort.

“What… do girls like?” Kylo asked. Hux could only stare for a moment. It was that fucking easy?

“E-excuse me, sir?” Hux said. Kylo banged his head on his desk, which was not easy to do, because that man is a skyscraper. Ahem.

“I’m trying to write her a poem and I compared her to a rominaria flower but she grew up on a desert planet, so I don’t know if she knows what that is, but I can’t think of anything better to compare her to. I know she likes portions. Should I compare her to portions?” Kylo put his hehad in his hands. It took Hux a while to process everything he had said.

“Erm, no, Sir, I don’t think you should compare her to portions. But, if I may?” Kylo looked at him mournfully, and Hux took that as permission to continue. “You are the… Supreme Leader of the Galaxy,” (at which point, he had to pause to keep from vomiting in his mouth). “You have taken most of the galaxy by force. I don’t see how this girl is any different.” Kylo stared wide-eyed at him.

“Hux, she’s a _person_ ,” he said.

“Technically speaking, so are all the children we took for the stormtrooper program,” said Hux.

“Yeah, but I don’t care what _they_ think of me,” said Kylo.

“Fair point. But, think on what I said,” said Hux. Kylo turned back to his desk in thought.

“I already called her nothing, so I guess I already hit rock bottom,” Kylo said, more to himself than to Hux.

And that is the story of how Hux decided _fuck these guys_ and became a spy for the resistance.


End file.
